Sunday, January 24, 2016

No one can find the rewind button, girl

Author's Note: The title is from a song called "Breathe (2 AM)" by Ana Nalick.

It's a quiet night at the time of this posting and I'm gazing at the full moon above me, hoping that it'll envelope me with some warmth and comfort.

Being caught in the crazy storm earlier this week gave rise to a couple of thoughts that I never entertained or spoke about. Watching the winds slam into the billboards and picking up speed sent shockwaves down my spine.

I've seen this imagery before; we were locked indoors once during college's second semester during our free periods while waiting for the storm to subside - and cringing when we saw our peers drenched in rain as they dashed across the street back to safety. Although Shaney and I managed to avoid being terribly soaked from our getaway to Coffee Bean, it cannot be said for our shoes. I disliked how fidgety I was, especially when the flashback of me nursing a warm cappuccino from the same coffeehouse while listening to the raindrops hitting on the windows arose.

I was quietly panicking as I forced myself to breathe when I saw the storm.

I loved the rain when I was younger to the point where I fell ill with a high fever from getting myself drenched in the rain during first grade. It permanently knocked out my taste for agar-agar. But I no longer fancy the rain now; in fact, I'll try my best not to think about my happier moments with the rain.

Maybe it's because of the memories associated with it... for me, it feels like when it pours, a lot of the unwanted thoughts will arise from the ashes to taunt me.

Or maybe it's the work of a particular person when he asked (or taunted, I don't want to remember) me to dance in the rain with him and our mentor - hours before my MPU (Malay Language) exam in main campus.

*takes a deep breath*

No, I shall not entertain the emotions associated with those reminiscences. I'm in the process of creating a brand new (and happier) life for me here, and, in all honesty, it's doing my soul some benefit.

The storm also reminded me of a now-departed college mate of mine. He took leave a couple of days before my return home and it broke my heart when I received the unfortunate news on social media. It made sense that the unfamiliar Malaysian number on the phone log could've been someone - most likely his father - informing me of the untimely departure, and yet I missed the call because I forgot to bring it with me to campus, sigh.

I'll be candor; it still tugs at me that I couldn't attend either the wake service or funeral Mass in person due to transport issues and I didn't constantly keep in touch with the person weeks/months before.... this sad moment. I guess it'll take some time for me to overcome the feeling of guilt and to grieve for someone whom I'm friends with. While the peers commemorated his life online, there were still some of us who chose not to pen a tribute for him on social media until much later.

Growing up in the self-sufficient suburb, death was such a familiar theme that I eventually was used to. I think I may've mentioned this before, but attending at least 4 funerals before reaching the legal drinking age isn't pleasant. I eventually made up my mind that in lieu of honoring the dead through words, I'll silently offer my prayers instead.

Which is what I did.

Thinking back, it's really odd. Not only were we - my friend and I - chatting about how influential the rain is on our psyches a night before the downpour, I was thrown awake by the sighing winds that night itself.

I know things may happen in threes, but is there a hidden meaning somewhere?


  1. Sorry to hear about the passing of your friend. :x

    That must be hard, being so young, especially for the family. I can't imagine what it's like.

    Don't beat yourself up over it though, you didn't know and you couldn't have known.

    I love the random pictures you put up with your posts, it reminds me of my uni years in Australia. :)

    1. It's okay, HB. It's just that it was a sudden news that sent shockwaves in the college and our peers, the ones who knew him and studied with him (myself included). =(

      Actually, I had the sneaking suspicion that it was only a matter of time before the news will reach me. Never expected it to be soon and didn't want my suspicions to be proven true. But I know him; he just wants us to cherish the life he's been able to share with us, and I shall console myself with that. =)

      Ah, thanks, HB! I hope the photographs reminded you of the good memories, though. =) (Although the pictures in this post were taken on a flight and in KL, lol.)

    2. Haha! Really? I thought it looked like the awesome tree we had in Clayton, saw a lot of huge trees like this in Melbourne.

      Still, it's a nice photo. :)

    3. To be exact, it's in SS 19 (opposite Sri Melur in SJ).

      Thanks once again, though! =)

  2. Sad, the passing of a friend especially one so young. I lost a very close friend around two years ago, only in his 30's, so young, so much of life ahead. That's life, I guess, things happen and we just have to move on but no matter what, the pain remains. May God bless the souls of our dearly departed.

    1. One full of potential too. =(

      I guess that's the unfortunate side of life; it has its uncertainties. We can only do our best and treasure every moment of it. I still feel the pain (though it's slightly more than 3 months now) and I'm trying to seek solace that the prayers I'm offering will reach him.

      I do hope that his soul will rest in eternal peace; he's endured so much hardships at such a young age, and it's something I don't wish on anyone to experience...

  3. I think the meaning is what you make of it. It is interesting how rain (or any type of weather) makes people feel by the memories associated with it. My aunt used to love the rain, then she was struck by lightening (yes for real!) in her early 20s. She's been terrified (justifiably) of storms ever since.

    1. I believe so too, Yum List. It's actually an individual interpretation and whether you permit it to affect you or not. Hate to admit it, but I usually allow it to screw with my emotions during the rain.

      Yikes, that's scary! And I don't blame her; it's such a traumatic experience. =(

  4. So sorry to hear about your loss, Ciana. It's sad to hear of our friends going away one by one especially when you reach my age.... Take care, dear! xoxo

    1. It's okay, Shirley. It will just take some time for us to come to terms with his untimely departure. =/ Thanks, though. Take care as well, my dear! *hugs*


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