Sunday, April 8, 2018

Silent Hurt

I am now surprised at the way things have turned out.

Ever since I commenced the degree, I had stayed away from all kinds of strenuous exercise because I didn’t want to be reminded of what I missed. Those weekend activities followed by a late breakfast/early lunch at the favorite joint. Now that I’m in my final year, it has brought back the desire to take up running as an exercise again. You see, I used to be an avid runner in elementary school, but I slowly gave it up as I rose through the ranks of my educational journey before I completely turned my back on it in college.

I know that I’ll be limping the next day with sore legs and aching arms (don’t ask me why; it has always happened like that), but I believe that it’s just the process of returning to something you have never done in years - and I’ll adapt to it in some way or another. It took me this to realize that it silently bled the stamina that I once had. I’m okay with walking long-distance as long as I have a bottle of water or if the weather is bearable, but I can’t run or even jog for long. With that being said, it’s good that I’m slowly picking up from where I left off. The campus has two parks within the 1km radius, which is good in some ways because it provides some variation in planning the route.

You might call me crazy, but I love the way I move to the rhythm of the music blasting through the headphones while I run. It keeps my mind sane and I find myself concentrating on my breathing. Not only does it allow me to think things through, the fresh air also clears my congested mind and leaves me with a better mood to tackle the workload … and people.

Swan Lake, Perth, Western Australia

There is one reason why I’d prefer to exercise in the morning. Sunsets and bright stars always remind me of a particular person. There was never a conflict or dispute between us; we just drifted away from each other and essentially burned the bridge that held our friendship intact. If I were to exercise during sunsets or at night, I know that I’ll be worse off. He loved the peace that sunset and the bright stars radiate. He loved lying on his back to watch the stars above him and allow his thoughts to run away after a stressful day. Although it has been such a long time, I just don’t know if I can cope exposing myself to such a risk.

When I exercised on Easter Monday, I found myself thinking about another person. We left on a sour note. I know that there was a conflict between us, but I can’t remember what caused it: was it the existence of a third party? Or was it out of jealousy? The years have since passed and I’m not sure if I want to revisit the past. There is no guarantee that I’ll be able to find the answers I want and give him the closure that he would have needed in the beginning. I would not blame him for the decisions that he made (including the one where it involved dropping me like hot potato) and instead respect for it. His happiness and wellbeing were what I silently wanted for him anyway.

It would be unfair for the both of us if I were to prod the wound with a stick and subject myself to the unknown once again - but for the weirdest reasons, he has been in my thoughts. I wonder whether he is doing okay. Whether he has found happiness. Whether he has found the solitude that he needed. Maybe it’s because I might be visiting familiar territories again and am worried that history would repeat itself. I don’t want the things that occurred between us to happen again - because I know that I’m largely responsible for it and can’t handle hurting another person in the same manner again.

On a side note, that particular band was his favorite. In hindsight, it was to my advantage that we loved different songs produced by them. If we loved the same songs, I’d be screwed by now. It’d be a torture to listen to them again because all it would do is remind me of him and how badly I hurt him.


  1. Running and walking early in the morning... Omggg. My hat is really off to you. I'm the kind who loves sleeping in to midday and do it on weekends and on days when I don't have to work. I rather exercise at night because that's when I feel more alert, at least mentally and I don't mind going physically slower.

    Sometimes thinking about someone is hard especially when they mean so much to us at one point in our lives...and maybe still do. I guess that's the downside of letting others in your lives and letting them close: they help you along the way, help you see things that you've never dreamed of and vice-versa. And so it can be so hard to let go and forget.

    1. It's rare that I exercise in the mornings because I don't like to leave my residence in a disheveled state. I usually run in the mid-afternoon or early evenings, depending on how crazy my schedule is. =P

      Before we turned our backs and burned the bridge, I guess all he wanted was a goodbye from me (because we both knew that our friendship may not withstand the test of times due to the distance). In hindsight, I definitely missed out on the warning signs. Let's just say that he was one of those people who were under the misconception that I was in a relationship (when I'm not).

    2. The busier I am, the more I usually want to go out and exercise lol. At least you make some time to actually go out and get some fresh air.

      Goodbyes are hard. Hopefully he is doing well now. Sometimes I rather not say goodbye to someone in hope we will meet again.

    3. I guess we're on the opposite end of the spectrum then? =P

      I can only keep my fingers crossed about his well-being. He's practically pushed all of our mutual friends away to the point where none of us know how he is doing or his current whereabouts. Can't say that I have any right to blame him. Sometimes you have to take drastic actions if it means being genuinely happy.

      I know I'll have to face with more goodbyes when I'm done with my degree - and I'm honestly not looking forward to it. My good friend is cringing. My sister's taking it one day at a time instead. =/


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