Silent Hurt

I am now surprised at the way things have turned out.

Ever since I commenced the degree, I had stayed away from all kinds of strenuous exercise because I didn’t want to be reminded of what I missed. Those weekend activities followed by a late breakfast/early lunch at the favorite joint. Now that I’m in my final year, it has brought back the desire to take up running as an exercise again. You see, I used to be an avid runner in elementary school, but I slowly gave it up as I rose through the ranks of my educational journey before I completely turned my back on it in college.

I know that I’ll be limping the next day with sore legs and aching arms (don’t ask me why; it has always happened like that), but I believe that it’s just the process of returning to something you have never done in years - and I’ll adapt to it in some way or another. It took me this to realize that it silently bled the stamina that I once had. I’m okay with walking long-distance as long as I have a bottle of water or if the weather is bearable, but I can’t run or even jog for long. With that being said, it’s good that I’m slowly picking up from where I left off. The campus has two parks within the 1km radius, which is good in some ways because it provides some variation in planning the route.

You might call me crazy, but I love the way I move to the rhythm of the music blasting through the headphones while I run. It keeps my mind sane and I find myself concentrating on my breathing. Not only does it allow me to think things through, the fresh air also clears my congested mind and leaves me with a better mood to tackle the workload … and people.

Swan Lake, Perth, Western Australia

There is one reason why I’d prefer to exercise in the morning. Sunsets and bright stars always remind me of a particular person. There was never a conflict or dispute between us; we just drifted away from each other and essentially burned the bridge that held our friendship intact. If I were to exercise during sunsets or at night, I know that I’ll be worse off. He loved the peace that sunset and the bright stars radiate. He loved lying on his back to watch the stars above him and allow his thoughts to run away after a stressful day. Although it has been such a long time, I just don’t know if I can cope exposing myself to such a risk.

When I exercised on Easter Monday, I found myself thinking about another person. We left on a sour note. I know that there was a conflict between us, but I can’t remember what caused it: was it the existence of a third party? Or was it out of jealousy? The years have since passed and I’m not sure if I want to revisit the past. There is no guarantee that I’ll be able to find the answers I want and give him the closure that he would have needed in the beginning. I would not blame him for the decisions that he made (including the one where it involved dropping me like hot potato) and instead respect for it. His happiness and wellbeing were what I silently wanted for him anyway.

It would be unfair for the both of us if I were to prod the wound with a stick and subject myself to the unknown once again - but for the weirdest reasons, he has been in my thoughts. I wonder whether he is doing okay. Whether he has found happiness. Whether he has found the solitude that he needed. Maybe it’s because I might be visiting familiar territories again and am worried that history would repeat itself. I don’t want the things that occurred between us to happen again - because I know that I’m largely responsible for it and can’t handle hurting another person in the same manner again.

On a side note, that particular band was his favorite. In hindsight, it was to my advantage that we loved different songs produced by them. If we loved the same songs, I’d be screwed by now. It’d be a torture to listen to them again because all it would do is remind me of him and how badly I hurt him.