4/14/18

I’m more confused than I have ever been … and it’s not the job searches that is the cause. Not even the desire to find a resting place for my weary heart. Oh, if only you could spend a day in my brain. You’ll be groggy from all the little scenarios that play out in my head. It instead feels like I’m in the middle of the street, keeping an eye out for that one piece of valuable item. I know it’s there somewhere, but I can’t see it. My vision’s blurred by the obstacles that are placed in my path towards it and I don’t know if I want to take the risk to overcome it as I approach that item. What I see instead is the reminders of what once was and what I left behind.

I also feel that my heart has been stirred by something that I never expected. I have a rough idea of the nature of it, but I’m not allowing myself the chance to acknowledge it. Maybe it’s because I’ve been surrounded by specks of it lately - or maybe not. To acknowledge it means I’m allowing myself to fall into a trap that shattered a friendship when I was seventeen. It would probably mess with my graduation plans as it might derail everything that I have laid out for myself, but we’ll see whether my suspicions would be proven accurate.

It’s somewhat related to something that I’ve insinuated before… and I’m worried about making more sacrifices when I am unsure of what the future will bring. There’s a sense of discomfort that I’ve never experienced on that scale. For someone like me to feel that way means something is definitely up. It’s like the unresolved dispute between me and that person have caught up and now tormenting me. I don’t want to be forced to make a decision out of a reasonable reliance on someone’s words or promise again.

I knew what I wanted and needed to make the final year as bearable as possible because it would be months away from the finishing line. Well, guess what happened after the summer break? Not only am I suppressing my truest emotions towards people - people who claim to be friends but flee the minute I need them, those dreams of mine are slipping through the cracks of my fingers. I’m losing hope that it will come to fruition and make me the happiest person on Earth. I’m losing the drive to push further and make the best out of the cards I have been dealt with.

It feels like I’m on a tightrope. One wrong move would send me falling to my death … figuratively. It’s not that dramatic, but more along the lines of me revisiting the dark abyss, which I’m not interested to do any time soon.