I'm spinning around in circles

The moment I set foot in the library or the bookstore, I know I left the chances of me leaving empty handed at the entrance. Unless I exercise a strong degree of self-restraint, you can be assured that I’ll leave with a borrowed book or a purchase. Since the library has an earlier business hour this year, I made my way to the main library and found myself loitering around the aisles of books. I knew that I was in the aisles of literature and history when I saw familiar topics, such as Voltaire and Auschwitz.

Now that I have found a quiet spot to hide from my peers in law, I am able to allow myself to reflect on something. I’m not sure why, but this has been at the front of my mind for a while now. My senses are forever heightened whenever a particular person is around me. It’s as if I know he’s there yet I’m keeping a distance.

And it’s bringing me back to that episode (which I’m trying to forget, but to no avail).

Way back when in that time, I wasn’t sure if what I felt was infatuation or straight up love. It also didn’t help that my predominant focus was on studies and friends, so it didn’t give me much leeway to consider the signs. Since there is absolutely no form of communication between us both now, it’s relatively safe for me to describe the context yet keep the person’s identity hidden.

My hopes are not high that things will change between us.

By the curious twist of fate, we basically had similar classes in the first part of the journey. Trust me, I think I saw him more often than I did with another friend, lol. We would always run into each other, seeing that we go to the same place during the break time - but never had the opportunity to hang out together as a big group. We also treated each other in such a manner that outsiders would shake their head at. I wouldn’t call it a shitty treatment (and I think he would have said the same thing at that time). There was just a lot of playful - but verbal and sarcastic - arguments.

Gosh, he teased the hell out of me until I exploded in anger before he softened the blow. I also used to throw tantrums (think of it as a lot of hits and misses) at him as he, for the weirdest reason, felt like a safety blanket. It’s like he knew I’d never cross that invisible boundary of offense.

I panicked once when I saw him with swollen, red eyes, but never pried the reasons out of him. I never expected much because it wouldn’t get me anywhere. First, we are born under the same astrological sign (seeing that our birthdays are a day apart!!!). Second, we pretty much have the same wavelength and desire to maintain an aura of perfection in public. Third, based on what I’ve observed, we are from the same category of psychology. We don’t fancy small talk - but humor us with a topic that we love and you’ll never hear the end of it.

I’m not specifically sure what led to the breakdown of our friendship and I don’t know if I want to figure out the reasons. It has been years now; there’s no benefit in doing it. In fact, it’ll probably lead to me ripping apart the stitches that sealed the wound. With that being said, I have my suspicions. One of it is the reason why I carry a sense of guilt that things turned out this way. We never got so much of a chance to sit down and say goodbye to each other - properly. We let things degrade to such a stage where it was better off to burn the bridge that held our friendship. You see, I once hated and took offense with the actions that he took. After thinking about it back and forth, I came to the conclusion that there were reasons behind his decision to do what he did. That’s the one thing that I took away: true love will only come when your soul is ready and you need to understand the situation that someone is dealing with before you judge their decision.

Now that winter is fast approaching, something has been unlocked in me again. You know, the emotions sliding from good to bad and from bad to worse. That’s how I feel now. I’m not surprised if I’m on the downward spiral of emotional eating instead of eating only when I’m hungry. Although the IHL acquaintance said that it should be easier seeing that no legal research is needed, I’m not looking forward to the advocacy in DRE because it has the element that I have feared for the last four years: rebuttals. I’m not sharp or fast enough to object the opposing counsel’s questions on the grounds of irrelevance or leading questions.

But I guess it’s unavoidable - now that I’ve landed myself in this boat.