And so, how should I phrase this?
After seeing and experiencing the darker side of reality for the past 10 months, it has turned me into a cynical child. Surprise, surprise. It’s challenged my understanding and perception of friendship and religion. Since the latter is a sensitive topic for most if not all, I shall leave it out of the post. As for the former, let’s just say that I already had a fair warning for it.
I guess the tables will be turned rather soon. For someone who’s now more negative-minded and seeking solace in the darkness, it wouldn’t be long before the effects will write themselves on my facial expressions, especially the anger. Anger has filled my veins with such pace that it turns my face beet red. When I know that I have to face people, I wear a mask to ensure that no one knows my truest thoughts. It didn’t help that my degree has exposed me to topics and sights I never thought I’d see either - even those outdoor adventures haven’t helped to soothe the growing annoyance within me. It is only when I’m alone within the four walls that I will remove the mask and allow those feelings to bubble to the surface. It’s better that way; I don’t want anyone to ask if I’m okay because my feelings are for me alone to deal with and I’m tired of wondering whether the person has asked out of a genuine concern or out of pity.
I dreamt that there was no driver in the car that we rode in - it drove itself. While I was seated in the front passenger seat, the three female friends were at the back. We were pretty much talking to each other en-route to our final destination when our car suddenly stopped in the middle of the road. This impact lunged us forward before I felt a stronger impact at the back. When I turned my head to see, the three fellows were severely injured. The back of the car obviously caved in closer to the front portion. One of them was barely conscious and heard me, but couldn’t respond to my words.
And the rest I can’t remember.
I read online some time ago that car accidents are usually indicative of an inner turmoil or a clash of beliefs between myself and someone close to me.
All that’s on my mind now is to complete the rest of my academic journey without complications (read: anxiety attacks and full-blown emotional breakdown) and take a six-week break away from social media accounts and humans to chill out.
'seeking solace in the darkness' I don't fault you for this, because I also agree sometimes we do find solace and comfort in darkness or walking a fine line between alright and a mess. Things sound challenging for you in terms of academic life and trust within friendship circles. Sometimes I cope best in hard times when I am alone, and eventhough my favourite people are encouraging and want to talk things over with me, I rather be in silence. There's just comfort in quiet for me.
ReplyDeleteThat dream you had about the car was very interesting and not a dream I'd want to have. Like, who would want to see your friends die in a dream, so upsetting D: That said, I've had recurring dreams of people around me dying or myself dying, and I interpret this as inner turmoil or some kind of fear of unable to let go.
‘Things sound challenging for you in terms of academic life and trust within friendship circles.’ - It is indeed a challenging time for me now - and only the darkness seems to provide the respite and peace that I need. I find that being alone is both a good and bad thing, lol. 😂 The beauty is that my favorite gang of people don’t know that I’m struggling in the silence - I mean, one of them knows bits and pieces of it, but I’ve never mentioned the full extent of it to anyone because I find that there’s no use in doing so.
DeleteIt’s the second time that I’ve dreamt of a car driving itself, and I think it might be a reflection of my subconscious and my suppressed emotions.
Darkness can then be your best friend lol. Being alone you don't have others telling you what to do but on the other hand, you have to listen to your own voices in your head. Sometimes it really is hard to explain your situation to others, and maybe that's why so few of your friends actually know what you are going through. It is already hard enough to speak it out.
DeleteIt's a bit ironic - because I have a tad bit fear of the darkness, lol. I guess I'd rather listen to the voices in my head than what others have to tell me because it's better that way for me.
DeleteDarkness can be claustrophobic and you can't see in darkness, and that can be scary. Actually I also rather listen to the voices in my head because I don't like to be ordered or dictated around XD
DeleteThat's us introverts. XD Our inner life is noisier than our outer life, where people think we're quiet to the point of being rude/shy.
DeleteLmao you said it so right 'Our inner life is noisier than our outer life'. Will remember this. It is such a great quote XD
DeleteIt's a quote that I picked up from an article on introverts - I can't remember if it's the article from Introvert Dear or somewhere else, lol.
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