Wednesday, September 3, 2014

Are you aware of my noticeable absence?

"You won't understand the decisions that I have made, but you will when you are in my shoes and at my age."

It's always proven itself to be true; even though not too many chums were able to comprehend the reasons behind it, I've always attributed it to the fact that they'll only fathom it at a later time. We are all from the same kind, but how we think and behave differ from each other when we're experiencing a situation. If you're a legal student or familiar with the ins and outs of the judicial system, it's something like the reasonable person test that the Courts will use while indicting or acquitting the defendant.

Now that matriculation is a thing of the past, it's about time that I stand in front of the campfire and burn the microscopic slides of bittersweet memories that were amassed over the moments, breathing a sigh of relief at each of it being melted away. I envision myself undergoing that process, but to successfully extinguish all copies of it would require an indefinite amount of time... like how I sporadically had flashbacks of Jeremy and Bya and struggled to face it in the eye.

Plus, I know myself; ingrained in me is someone who has forgotten how to have fun while chasing after the academic grades. To aggravate matters, this person is more than willing to throw friendships to the backburner if it means attaining her goals. I'm not lying; Shaney's the character witness and she'll attest to every word that I just spoke.

In this case, how I am to reduce the hurt if I'm swimming down this route? I don't know how many buckets worth of regrets I'll create upon university graduation... I was flipping through the yearbook in boredom before dinner, carefully missing out certain pages with intention while listening to Pachelbel's Canon in D on my cell and reading the farewell messages that my peers - juniors and fellow seniors alike - penned. Some brought me to laughter (especially the quick sketch of a very chubby blue cat); some made me sad not because I was no longer with them but to know that they actually want to continue the friendship into the future is rather touching. I learned concurrently that while they understood my ambitions, they wanted me to take five and have fun sporadically or I was sliding head-on down into a path of self-destruction, where I'll sacrifice my mental and physical health. Reflecting on it, it was quite shocking; the more I attempted to mask my academic stress, the more it leaked out through my eyes without me being aware of it. The classical music, however, yanked from the ashes the flashbacks from the recent graduation as well; the details, I'm not going to elaborate on it because it's been unwittingly shredded into pieces.

But the million dollar question lingering on my mind is: shall I make the necessary pit stops before breathing life into that plan? Truth be told, I harbor the desire to pack the bags and depart in the silence without a sentence's worth of notice, but once I do that, I can foresee a lot of broken hearts and displeased glares behind my back.

Sigh, why am I feeling this way?

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